Right, let’s not faff about. I’m just going to say it:

I don’t want children.

Never have. Not once. Not even when I saw a family wearing matching pyjamas and taking golden-hour photos in a sunflower field. Not even then.

I’ve never looked at a rich, glossy, colour-coordinated family of five and thought, “Yes, please! I want that exact sticky-fingered chaos in my living room.”

Absolutely not. Keep it.

When I was a teenager, of course, I had the usual delusions: meet the dream man, marry him in a castle, have 2.5 kids, and live in a Pinterest board. But then I turned into a grown woman with a brain, and I realised…

I value my sleep.

And my silence.

And my ability to eat a croissant without someone screaming directly into my earhole.

Having children is the most selfless thing a person can do. But babe I’m not selfless. I love myself. Like, deeply. Like, soulmate-level love.

I love my 9 hours of unbothered sleep. I love waking up at noon and reading spicy fantasy books while sipping overpriced lattes in a floaty dress. I love travelling, painting, working out, and doing absolutely none of the things that involve wiping a stranger’s bum for the first five years of their life.

Two years ago, I told my mum, over tea and trauma-sharing, “Mum, I don’t think I want kids.”

And she blinked and said, “Don’t be stupid. Don’t speak like that.”

Oh. Okay then, guess I’ll just hop into a baby-shaped prison because society says so?

The more I thought about it, the more I realised: I am not giving up my freedom, peace, and uterus just so I can be sleep-deprived and smell faintly of sour milk for the next two decades.

Let’s be brutally honest here I see no benefit in having children. None. What is the reward? A badly drawn Mother’s Day card once a year and a child who grows up to tell me I ruined their life because I didn’t let them get an iPhone at age 6?

No thanks, Susan.

And don’t get me started on the “You’ll be lonely when you’re old” brigade.

Excuse me? You want me to create and raise an entire person just so they might….might…..visit me at Christmas once I hit 75?

That’s not a child. That’s a long-term emotional insurance plan.

And guess what? If that logic worked, nursing homes wouldn’t be bursting at the seams with old folks whose kids live two continents away.

Now yes, the only reason that slightly makes sense is if you’re absurdly rich and want to pass on your fortune. But even then just donate it to cats or trees or name a hospital wing after yourself. Legacy sorted. Kids optional.

Here’s what I do want:

To share my life with my husband. Just us.

I’m not one of those feminists shouting “I don’t need a man!” Babe, I do need him. He’s cute, he brings me snacks, and he laughs at my weird jokes. But do I want to create a tiny gremlin that yells “MUM!” 742 times a day and possibly grows up to identify as a goat/non-human, and move to Mars? No.

Now, to all the mums out there: I see you. You are doing one of the hardest jobs known to humanity and you have my deepest respect. BUT, can I make a polite request?

Stop trying to convert your friends who are on the fence about having children. Stop cornering us with “Motherhood is the most beautiful journey of your life” speeches while we’re just trying to eat brunch.

And to the aunties, nosy neighbours, and random taxi drivers asking, “When are you having kids?”

Stop it.

Instead, ask the women having kids why they’re doing it. Let’s even out the playing field, shall we?

I could go on (and you know I could), but I’ll wrap it up with this:

I’m genuinely considering writing a book titled,

“Why I’m Not Having Children, and Why That’s Perfectly Fine (Also Mind Your Business).”

I’ve been a writer since high school. People said, “You’ve got a voice!” Well, here it is. Loud, proud, and baby-free.

So next time someone asks me, “Why aren’t you having kids?”

I’ll just send them the Amazon link of my book and go back to my peaceful, uninterrupted, gloriously selfish life.

Now that, darling, is a business strategy make money and shut mouths at the same time.

Okeh, I am off to a cafe with my man to grab my matcha now, so bye!!

oh and loads of luv

Hannah